


inside, outside (I will always carry you)

by luffia



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Character Study, F/M, Spoilers, o!cielizzy but sort of twisted???
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:54:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23831950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luffia/pseuds/luffia
Summary: She thinks of his hand resting at her waist, and feels bile crawl up her throat. Despite herself, it becomes a war of sides: a humiliating rush of affection, blooming in her chest; and the cold, sticky tendrils of dread, pinning it down. When he touched her, his gloved fingers were always careful, almost hesitant, his touch feather-light. She used to think,‘he touches me like you touch something precious’. She thinks, now, that he touched her like he was not supposed to, the way you touch something that does not belong to you.Elizabeth, and making choices.
Relationships: Elizabeth Midford/Ciel Phantomhive
Comments: 9
Kudos: 109





	inside, outside (I will always carry you)

**Author's Note:**

> spoilers!

This Ciel does not like sweets. He will sometimes request Viennese whirls for her, but today he just sips his black tea as she adds milk and one sugar to her own Earl Gray. The other one used to take milk and two sugars, and whilst Sebastian made and poured the tea, he always asked her to finish preparing his cup because he knew Elizabeth liked the sugar tongs.

“Chess?” Ciel suggests, smiling. Elizabeth returns his smile and nods, so he motions Tanaka to bring the portable set over. In some ways, Ciel is still the boy of her memories, Elizabeth ponders as they begin arranging the pieces. Pleasant, witty, slightly bewitching - when _he_ came back, it was all much less effortless, like he had to work for the spotlight. This Ciel is as charming as she remembers, but there’s something on the edge of his smiles now. Every curve of his lips seems to hide something sharp, as if dancing on the edge of a smirk.

“Lizzy, do you want to play black or white today?” Ciel asks her, startling her out of her thoughts. “Oh. Uhm. Whatever you prefer. I really don’t mind.” she replies, placing the rook in its corner. “You can be white,” Ciel decides, handing over what is now her knight. “I’ve already began to arrange the black set on my side, so this way you won’t have to move.” That makes sense. Their fingers brush as she reaches across the table for the small wooden piece, and she finds herself searching his face for a blush that never comes. This Ciel does not get embarrassed. It was something she liked, about _him_ before. He was easily flustered, and small, domestic details like these often made his face burn. She corrects herself: he was conscience-stricken by how shamelessly he was stealing another man's most beloved, because he was a _liar_ -

"Ready?" Ciel asks. Elizabeth swallows, moves her pawn in response: Bird's Opening. Ciel tuts, moves to D5. A comfortable silence falls as both of them settle into their game. Eleven moves in, Elizabeth blinks twice at the board, and frowns. No way. Three moves later, she’s sure.

“You let me take your Queen,” Elizabeth huffs. “There is no way you didn’t realise I would take your Queen. Why did you do that, Ciel?” Ciel looks amused, “I did not let you take her, Lizzy,” he explains patiently, “Please do not undersell your strategy. If you underrate your play, you also underrate me.”

Displeased, Elizabeth continues playing. In five moves, it becomes clear it is just a matter of time. Another six, and it’s checkmate. “Well played,” Ciel says, sweeping the proof of her victory off the board. “I had never seen a Queen open for that knight and rook mating pattern.”

Elizabeth pouts. “You’re mean, Ciel! I would never go easy on you in a fencing match.” Ciel’s smile glitches, but he recovers quickly. He leans over the table, tucks a loose strand of yellow hair behind her ear. “I thought you didn’t like fencing, Lizzy,” he breathes.

She had never beat his brother. He never took her as anything less than a serious opponent.

_‘I’m so glad at least you’ve come back to us.’_

Sometimes, Elizabeth allows herself to remember how he used to hold her. She thinks of his hand resting at her waist, and feels bile crawl up her throat. Despite herself, it becomes a war of sides: a humiliating rush of affection, blooming in her chest; and the cold, sticky tendrils of dread, pinning it down. When he touched her, his gloved fingers were always careful, almost hesitant, his touch feather-light. She used to think, _‘he touches me like you touch something precious’_. She thinks, now, that he touched her like he was not supposed to, the way you touch something that does not belong to you.

She also remembers the taste of seawater and the stench of the undead, and how, that time, he had clutched her desperately. She does not know how to feel about that.

"Lizzy?" asks Ciel from across the room, "What's wrong?"

Elizabeth shakes her head, curls bouncing. "Nothing, it's nothing."

_‘No one will be happy if I’m the only one who comes home.’_

Love can be learnt, Mother had taught her, and Elizabeth had always made loving Ciel her best lesson. 

Her cute little fiancé had a gorgeous smile and beautiful, bottle-blue eyes. To Elizabeth, who liked sunshine and pretty things and cheerfulness, Ciel was perfect. 

When _he_ came back, she almost thought him a different person (oh, how _funny_ that now seems): this new Ciel was gloomier, more reserved, and did not smile. However, she loved Ciel more than anything, so Elizabeth rallied. She tried, she tried _so hard_ , with cute dresses and strawberry cakes, yet somewhere along the way she learned that he was not perfect, but far from it. This new Ciel was uncoordinated, irritable, avoided social occasions like the plague, and regularly sulked in her presence.

Elizabeth thinks that is where the problem began. Ciel stopped being perfect, but it also stopped mattering.

He looked at her, drenched and in her undergarments, splattered with blood and having just decapitated a person, and said _I could never hate you_. He struggled with dancing but asked her to waltz anyway. He worked himself raw and tried so hard, and Elizabeth was convinced he was the most determined person she knew. He smiled rarely, but when he did it was luminous, stunning, and she kept the memory of each smile close to her heart. He often had nightmares, yet easily fell asleep around her. He loved chocolate, asked her about Russian literature, and even if he was not always nice, he could be very kind. This Ciel was someone who protected her at all costs, who made her want to become stronger.

"Insanity," Mother had scoffed, "The Earl is ruthless, Elizabeth, you would do well to remember that."

Elizabeth agreed, because Elizabeth is not stupid. She knows, she has _always_ known, that Uncle Vincent watched over dark places, that Ciel did too. She knows he can be cruel and she has seen how manipulative he can be. She knows that boy is ruthless, but ruthless does not mean heartless.

_‘Elizabeth will definitely be sad.’_

It's a wretched realisation, even if an inevitable one. 

Walking by the Thames, Elizabeth watches as a group of rowers flip their shell over, oars going everywhere, and laughs delightedly. She thinks _Ciel, Ciel, Ciel_ , and it’s the wrong one.

 _Oh_ , she thinks. _Oh, oh, oh._

Elizabeth gathers her skirts, heads home and changes into her fencing trousers. She begs her brother for a match, and then another, and another _,_ and another, until Edward can't physically get up.

"Christ," Edward heaves, sensing her approach, "I'm sorry, Liz, I can't - Mother should be home soon."

Elizabeth lets her sabre clatter to the floor and wretches off her mask as she plops herself next to her brother, lies back on the floor. She's wearing trousers, completely out of breath, and her face must be so red and sweaty. It is so unladylike, and for the first time since her fiancé came back, she does not care at all. She thinks _Ciel, Ciel, Ciel_ , and laughs so hard she starts crying, until she is just crying. 

Predictably, Edward freaks out. 

He shrieks, valiantly attempts to get up before collapsing again. Her body is shaking with sobs by the time Edward finally gives up and instead reaches his arm out, clasping her hand. They lie like that on the floor for a while, connected, until the tears subside.

"It's about that dreadful brat, isn't it?"

The words are petulant, but Edward looks solemn. Elizabeth squeezes his hand.

"I don't think I love Ciel anymore," she says, and it is surprisingly easy, to let go of the secret that had been eating her alive the past few months, the secret Elizabeth herself was unaware she was keeping until a couple of hours ago. She hears a sharp intake of breath at her side, and she scrunches her eyes shut forcefully, a barrier between herself and the outside world. There is a rustle coming from Edward's general direction as he finally manages to sit up, and she feels him tugging her up, gathering her in his arms. 

"Oh, Lizzy," he sighs, his breath warm on the crown of her head, "You don't _have_ to marry Ciel, you know?"

"He's just so different," Elizabeth whispers, "He is so different, and I thought I would like him because he is Ciel, but I- _I_ _miss_ _him_ , brother."

Edward holds her tighter, and Elizabeth thinks he understands. 

_‘Why were you the one to survive, and not Ciel?’_

“You came back.” he says, and his voice cracks.

She raises an eyebrow. He wets his lips, looking up at her in a way she cannot decide whether to classify as bafflement or awe.

“You did not expect me to.” Elizabeth observes, and he looks down. “No, I didn’t.”

“I did not think I would either,” she confesses. “You are a liar.” He does not flinch at the accusation, but then again she supposes that’s a charitable way of calling it. A statement of fact would be more accurate, and more reflective of her own tone. Measured, collected. Honest. Elizabeth has played this conversation so many times inside her head. She feels faint. She feels hysterical.

He swallows, and bares a perfect line of pearly white teeth before hissing, “Why are you here, Lizzy? Why did you come back, if not to torture me, if you are just going to go back to _him_ -“

“I am here,” she interrupts, her voice rising an octave, “because I am to be the Wife of the Queen’s Watchdog.”

She might as well have handed him a declaration. Her corset is suffocating her at this point, and Elizabeth tries her best to control her heavy breathing. _I choose you, I want you, I follow you_. For a second, so fast she may have imagined it, she sees a flash of triumph cross Sebastian’s face.

Silence follows.

He looks stricken. His face is almost devoid of colour, and Elizabeth has never, ever seen him look so defeated.

Her face is in flames, but she presses forward because even if he leaves her she needs to know what part of it, if any, was True. Elizabeth wants to shake him, this porcelain-doll of a boy standing in front of her, clenching his fists. “Did you ever grow to love me?” she demands, refusing to back down.

He meets her eyes, all blue and desolate, and she thinks this is what breaking must feel like.

“I’d burn down cities for you,” Ciel says, and kneels.

**Author's Note:**

> Guys what the **fuck** is going on with kuroshitsuji oh my gOD - I check in for the first time in like three years and I feel like Toboso has ripped out my lungs and twisted them into balloon animals.
> 
> Real!Ciel gives me the absolute most evil vibes (doesn’t he… not have a soul anymore????? He definitely killed Agni and that was _vile_ ) and I want to protect our tiny precious liar AT ALL COSTS. Go take back your title, lands, and manor, baby, I’ve got your flower.
> 
> I wrote this because I really really **really** want Lizzy to betray real!Ciel because 1) he’s clearly fuckin’ evil, and 2) I feel it important for Lizzy’s character development to not just flip to being blindly “in love” with whoever “Ciel” happens to be. I do however also appreciate it is a total mindfuck to find out someone has been impersonating your most precious person for nearly four years so hopefully that also comes through here.
> 
> This manga has officially Given Me Anxiety (twins? Lizzy’s most definite psychological trauma? AGNI? tumblr conspiracy theories about Lau’s eventual betrayal, which my heart just won’t be able to take?), but I still would like to declare my love for Sieglinde Sullivan, who is a terrific addition and I love dearly.
> 
> Also if anyone is interested, the checkmate Lizzy performs is from Hammer vs. Carlsen (2003), and is known as Anastasia's Mate.


End file.
